Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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