You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
