Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
