man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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