I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My ass is underappreciated
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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