He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
