That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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