I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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