Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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Sorry heylookausername hasn't picked any favorites yet.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(209): View more from California

you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!

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(303): View more from Colorado

If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable

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(801): View more from Utah

So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.

(702): View more from Nevada

No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.

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