I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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