I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
