Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
