he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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