I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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