census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she told me i tasted like america
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Are my feet made of real feet?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
