if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
