My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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