I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
