i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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