My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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