Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
