the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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