Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
