Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
