I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize