i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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