i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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