bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
