All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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