I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
