I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
