i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
