At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
