Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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