I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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