My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
