This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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