I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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