Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
