I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
