So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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