I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
