I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
