Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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