put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
