Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
