My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
