I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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