Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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