I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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