the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
a search helicopter?!
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
