Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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