i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
