im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm getting married
To pizza
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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