Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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