just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
