I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
